Today I give
thanks to the courage and strength of certain people around me-- the ones who
have survived impossible odds with cancer, those who fought as hard as possible
and those fighting at this time. I have been humbled and inspired by all and
while I thank God for the ones still here on earth, I give thanks to God for
those who are finally free of pain. I can only hope and pray that if I am ever
in the same situation, I can be as graceful, strong and faithful.
Me November 17,
2011
I wrote this 8 years ago
today, one day after my friend Toni passed away after a long battle with breast
cancer. It was basically 2 weeks before
I found that pesky lump and 2 years before- to the day- another friend, Nicole
died from the same. As you can imagine,
I have so many emotions when I look at today’s memories. Mostly, I go back to when I got the call about
Nicole, something I knew was coming that afternoon. It was a beautiful day and
I was antsy, so I went to walk the beach, with all of it on my mind—Nicole, her
husband, the kids. She passed surrounded
by love—her family and she was wrapped up in the quilt the quilters had
made. She was at peace. And I finally cried. I cried for her, her family, her friends and
for me. It was in that moment I realized
it could have been me. Previously—maybe 3
months prior, Ms. Joyce, one of our patrons and a breast cancer survivor herself,
had asked me if I had cried yet. I told
her I had not. She told me I would, it
would come out of the blue and I would feel clearer. She was right. I did, it did, and I did.
These past few weeks have been
a whirlwind in a way. I still am not
sure if the automatic release of the PET scan was supposed to happen as I was
meeting with Dr K the next day, but it did.
I was sitting in a monthly programming meeting and the email came across. So, I opened it. And then I walked out to do what I always do,
call Billy. I knew it was bad, but I
needed to hear it from him. He started
out in doctor mode and I knew exactly when it turned into brother mode. His words said it best—in, doctor mode of course. “This is not what we expected.” I said 2
times “this is bad, isn’t it?” He finally said, “yes, it is bad.” In brother mode. I told him I would wait to tell Mom after seeing
Dr K in the am. Um, that lasted 5
seconds when I walked in the house. That
was one of the hard ones. I made a few other
calls but bagged it and decided it would fall into place the next morning.
For the first time, I was
a bit peeved with Dr K as I was ready to address the whole liver thing, but he
was going at his pace—turtle it seemed to me.
I finally said the PET was released and I read it. He glanced at me, said okay and continued. I thought briefly of killing him slowly and
he knew it as he grinned and carried on.
Damn him as I knew he had to run it all down his way. Within 5 minutes he had a plan and was acting
on it. I went to give more blood; I
escaped the shots and I went up and down the elevator so many times that Aaron
who checks me in, finally said I refuse to greet you again. Yeah, well, same here bud.
By the time I left, I had
a flu shot, been briefed on my new meds, picked up my new meds, had 2 blood
draws (when I walked back to get the blood taken yet again, the nurse said we did this last visit too,
didn’t we? Why yes, we did, the man loves needles!), the go ahead to go to Betsy’s
and a plan. I also had the go ahead for
the January trip. As I mentioned before,
I wanted to ask him if it was one of those go as this is your last hurrah or go
because it is an awesome trip. I
refrained. At the time, I really did not
want to know.
The plan is this- 7 days
on the chemo pill and 7 days off and so on and so on. We will know in about 4 more weeks if it is
working. If it is, then we continue. If not, onto something else. As for the pill, not too bad. I have a few side effects, but nothing too
bad. I feel better than I have felt in
months and had a great visit with Betsy and Mike—a well needed one too. My hair is thinning (only thing that is) and
I just happen to have 2 wigs laying around.
And if I want to, I can always get another one if needed. I am more tired than normal, but all is
good.
Now to the January trip. If you can remember, I really did not have a
bucket list, nor did I really care.
However, one thing I have always wanted to do was to see the Northern
Lights. Way back when I was diagnosed again
2016, Billy happened to be there when the good Dr Lynn told me the news. She started sprouting out all these medical terms
and I told her Billy was in the lobby—oh goodie she said as she went out the
door. He must have felt bad looking at
the ultrasound as when we got into the car, I said something like I guess I
need a bucket list and I want to see the Northern Lights. He said Norway. I was like hmm, okay. So, Norway it is. We have a 12-day cruise “In Search of the Northern
Lights” booked for January 22, 2020 and it just rocks. Yes, I hit the brother jackpot and no, at
this time I will not share.
For the record, I am good
with it all. While I would rather stay
on this side as I feel I have more to do, I am at peace. This morning I did the
kids talk and brought up the there is always, always, always something to be
thankful for quote. And there is. I am
thankful I woke up this morning, I am thankful for all the love and prayers that
have come and will come to me and I am thankful to be surrounded by loving, caring
friends and family. And I am so thankful
to be a child of God, a God who has given me a peace that passes all understanding.
