The definition of peace is: freedom from disturbance;
tranquility.
The definition of God’s peace is: the peace of heart
which is the gift of God
The Angels and I have talked many times about God’s peace and how it is
just this amazing feeling. I have told
them I have had it a few times with the first being when I was 10 and Mom was
telling me at 3am that Grandma Loomis had died.
I walked back to my room (the phone woke me up) and all I could do was
smile. I knew she was good, happy and
pain free. Of course I was too young at the time to realize it. The second time was when I first found that pesky
lump way back in December of 2011. It has basically stayed with me over the
past 8 years. I have known it was there,
felt it once in a while- always when needed.
And as he always does, he knows when to ramp it up. As he did yesterday during my phone
appointment with Dr Kotz.
Yesterday I got a call asking if I would do a phone call appointment with
Dr Kotz to see if I needed to go down for my appointment on Wednesday. I was like sure and thought at least I will
get the scan results sooner rather than later and I will not have to wait-besides,
Talbots is closed and waiting sucks. Big
time. So at 230pm I was ready. Remember I know the man, and he is always at least
10 minutes late and he did not disappoint. We did the pleasantries and got down
to business. It did not take long and we got to the scan. The bad, shitty scan.
Since the last PET in October, there are more spots on the liver, there are lymph
nodes in the collar bone and a mass in the left chest area. As we started to discuss the 3 options given
to me, God gave me that peace I so
needed which gave me the ability to discuss calmly and ask questions (who knew
a person could be so calm). It was a hard
talk and I knew it bothered him as well. Option 1 was to do nothing and maybe I
would have a few months. Maybe. Option 2 was chemo but he was worried about me
getting a port in all this uncertainty. Option 3 was an oral chemo in which we
could try and in 4 weeks if my markers did not plummet, I would be off and then
to chemo which, at that point might not be possible if my liver started to get
worse. I knew he wanted chemo, I knew I
wanted it but we went with Option 3. He
ended the call saying I am going to walk around and see what the others think
and if it changes, I’ll call you. 25 minutes
later, Nurse Hailey called with “you are doing chemo, I’m calling Dr Lynn to
schedule your port.” Well then.
As can be imagined, emotions were a bit allover the place. Ann was in
the office—she asked if she should leave but I said no, just close the door.
She is always a voice of reason and when I got off, I teared up and was able to
talk with her. And as always, she was
calm and exactly what was needed. I made the call to Billy, told Gaye—and did
mention that I might retire before her- which I totally enjoyed. I made another call and then left to tell
Mom. Let me tell you, telling your mother that your time is limited is not an
easy thing to do. I think I might have
laughed/grunted when she asked me if she could cry. I told her to go ahead. 54 almost 55 years
and she asks me if she could cry. Who
knew I had that much power?! All the wasted years.
Seriously, we had a good talk and I am in good place. I am surrounded by
love and blessed by all the prayers. As
I have always said, it has been a humbling journey. Very humbling. Yes, it is very strange feeling
knowing that time is short. The plan, as
it stands now, is to get that port, and then chemo once a week. I did remind Dr Kotz when the time came, he
would make sure I was comfortable, and he promised he would. As I told Pastor Bill, I have been given a gift—time
to say goodbye. And no, I have no idea how long, none of us do. I do know that if the chemo does not work, it
will be sooner rather than later. Whatever
happens, whenever it happens, I am surrounded by loving family and friends. Most importantly, I have God’s peace,
something only he can give. And that my
friends, is all I have ever needed.
