God's Peace

The definition of peace is: freedom from disturbance; tranquility.  

The definition of God’s peace is: the peace of heart which is the gift of God

The Angels and I have talked many times about God’s peace and how it is just this amazing feeling.  I have told them I have had it a few times with the first being when I was 10 and Mom was telling me at 3am that Grandma Loomis had died.  I walked back to my room (the phone woke me up) and all I could do was smile.  I knew she was good, happy and pain free. Of course I was too young at the time to realize it.  The second time was when I first found that pesky lump way back in December of 2011. It has basically stayed with me over the past 8 years.  I have known it was there, felt it once in a while- always when needed.  And as he always does, he knows when to ramp it up.  As he did yesterday during my phone appointment with Dr Kotz.

Yesterday I got a call asking if I would do a phone call appointment with Dr Kotz to see if I needed to go down for my appointment on Wednesday.  I was like sure and thought at least I will get the scan results sooner rather than later and I will not have to wait-besides, Talbots is closed and waiting sucks.  Big time. So at 230pm I was ready. Remember I know the man, and he is always at least 10 minutes late and he did not disappoint. We did the pleasantries and got down to business. It did not take long and we got to the scan. The bad, shitty scan. Since the last PET in October, there are more spots on the liver, there are lymph nodes in the collar bone and a mass in the left chest area.  As we started to discuss the 3 options given to me,  God gave me that peace I so needed which gave me the ability to discuss calmly and ask questions (who knew a person could be so calm).  It was a hard talk and I knew it bothered him as well. Option 1 was to do nothing and maybe I would have a few months. Maybe. Option 2 was chemo but he was worried about me getting a port in all this uncertainty. Option 3 was an oral chemo in which we could try and in 4 weeks if my markers did not plummet, I would be off and then to chemo which, at that point might not be possible if my liver started to get worse.  I knew he wanted chemo, I knew I wanted it but we went with Option 3.  He ended the call saying I am going to walk around and see what the others think and if it changes, I’ll call you.  25 minutes later, Nurse Hailey called with “you are doing chemo, I’m calling Dr Lynn to schedule your port.” Well then.

As can be imagined, emotions were a bit allover the place. Ann was in the office—she asked if she should leave but I said no, just close the door. She is always a voice of reason and when I got off, I teared up and was able to talk with her.  And as always, she was calm and exactly what was needed. I made the call to Billy, told Gaye—and did mention that I might retire before her- which I totally enjoyed.  I made another call and then left to tell Mom. Let me tell you, telling your mother that your time is limited is not an easy thing to do.  I think I might have laughed/grunted when she asked me if she could cry.  I told her to go ahead. 54 almost 55 years and she asks me if she could cry.  Who knew I had that much power?! All the wasted years. 

Seriously, we had a good talk and I am in good place. I am surrounded by love and blessed by all the prayers.  As I have always said, it has been a humbling journey.  Very humbling. Yes, it is very strange feeling knowing that time is short.  The plan, as it stands now, is to get that port, and then chemo once a week.  I did remind Dr Kotz when the time came, he would make sure I was comfortable, and he promised he would.  As I told Pastor Bill, I have been given a gift—time to say goodbye. And no, I have no idea how long, none of us do.  I do know that if the chemo does not work, it will be sooner rather than later.  Whatever happens, whenever it happens, I am surrounded by loving family and friends.  Most importantly, I have God’s peace, something only he can give.  And that my friends, is all I have ever needed. 

Curve ball #47

Today I give thanks to the courage and strength of certain people around me-- the ones who have survived impossible odds with cancer, those who fought as hard as possible and those fighting at this time. I have been humbled and inspired by all and while I thank God for the ones still here on earth, I give thanks to God for those who are finally free of pain. I can only hope and pray that if I am ever in the same situation, I can be as graceful, strong and faithful.  

Me November 17, 2011

I wrote this 8 years ago today, one day after my friend Toni passed away after a long battle with breast cancer.  It was basically 2 weeks before I found that pesky lump and 2 years before- to the day- another friend, Nicole died from the same.  As you can imagine, I have so many emotions when I look at today’s memories.  Mostly, I go back to when I got the call about Nicole, something I knew was coming that afternoon. It was a beautiful day and I was antsy, so I went to walk the beach, with all of it on my mind—Nicole, her husband, the kids.  She passed surrounded by love—her family and she was wrapped up in the quilt the quilters had made.  She was at peace.  And I finally cried.  I cried for her, her family, her friends and for me.  It was in that moment I realized it could have been me.  Previously—maybe 3 months prior, Ms. Joyce, one of our patrons and a breast cancer survivor herself, had asked me if I had cried yet.  I told her I had not.  She told me I would, it would come out of the blue and I would feel clearer.  She was right.  I did, it did, and I did. 

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind in a way.  I still am not sure if the automatic release of the PET scan was supposed to happen as I was meeting with Dr K the next day, but it did.  I was sitting in a monthly programming meeting and the email came across.  So, I opened it.  And then I walked out to do what I always do, call Billy.  I knew it was bad, but I needed to hear it from him.  He started out in doctor mode and I knew exactly when it turned into brother mode.  His words said it best—in, doctor mode of course.  “This is not what we expected.” I said 2 times “this is bad, isn’t it?” He finally said, “yes, it is bad.”  In brother mode.  I told him I would wait to tell Mom after seeing Dr K in the am.  Um, that lasted 5 seconds when I walked in the house.  That was one of the hard ones.  I made a few other calls but bagged it and decided it would fall into place the next morning.

For the first time, I was a bit peeved with Dr K as I was ready to address the whole liver thing, but he was going at his pace—turtle it seemed to me.  I finally said the PET was released and I read it.  He glanced at me, said okay and continued.  I thought briefly of killing him slowly and he knew it as he grinned and carried on.  Damn him as I knew he had to run it all down his way.  Within 5 minutes he had a plan and was acting on it.  I went to give more blood; I escaped the shots and I went up and down the elevator so many times that Aaron who checks me in, finally said I refuse to greet you again.  Yeah, well, same here bud. 

By the time I left, I had a flu shot, been briefed on my new meds, picked up my new meds, had 2 blood draws (when I walked back to get the blood taken yet again,  the nurse said we did this last visit too, didn’t we? Why yes, we did, the man loves needles!), the go ahead to go to Betsy’s and a plan.  I also had the go ahead for the January trip.  As I mentioned before, I wanted to ask him if it was one of those go as this is your last hurrah or go because it is an awesome trip.  I refrained.  At the time, I really did not want to know.

The plan is this- 7 days on the chemo pill and 7 days off and so on and so on.  We will know in about 4 more weeks if it is working. If it is, then we continue. If not, onto something else.  As for the pill, not too bad.  I have a few side effects, but nothing too bad.  I feel better than I have felt in months and had a great visit with Betsy and Mike—a well needed one too.  My hair is thinning (only thing that is) and I just happen to have 2 wigs laying around.  And if I want to, I can always get another one if needed.   I am more tired than normal, but all is good. 

Now to the January trip.  If you can remember, I really did not have a bucket list, nor did I really care.  However, one thing I have always wanted to do was to see the Northern Lights.  Way back when I was diagnosed again 2016, Billy happened to be there when the good Dr Lynn told me the news.  She started sprouting out all these medical terms and I told her Billy was in the lobby—oh goodie she said as she went out the door.  He must have felt bad looking at the ultrasound as when we got into the car, I said something like I guess I need a bucket list and I want to see the Northern Lights.  He said Norway.  I was like hmm, okay.  So, Norway it is.  We have a 12-day cruise “In Search of the Northern Lights” booked for January 22, 2020 and it just rocks.  Yes, I hit the brother jackpot and no, at this time I will not share. 

For the record, I am good with it all.  While I would rather stay on this side as I feel I have more to do, I am at peace. This morning I did the kids talk and brought up the there is always, always, always something to be thankful for quote. And there is.  I am thankful I woke up this morning, I am thankful for all the love and prayers that have come and will come to me and I am thankful to be surrounded by loving, caring friends and family.  And I am so thankful to be a child of God, a God who has given me a peace that passes all understanding. 

I know, I know....

It’s been a while and while I have sat down many times to update, it never happened.  So… here you go.

Surgery:

All went well. Well, once they got that damn IV in.  Finally went in on the 4^th attempt.  I was a pin cushion.  1 nurse tried twice, another tried once and FINALLY, the nurse anesthesiologist nailed it.  Melissa, the surgical nurse held my hand and I probably bruised it.  And yes, I cried.  However, once it was in, I was happy.  I think I told Billy I was getting a 30-day cruise.  All I remember is a strained look.  I would like to add that I am so glad Nurse Mike was NOT there.  The IV had nothing to do with the nurse but everything to do with me and he would have felt bad. Even Dr Lynn felt bad.  Yes, it was that bad 😊

I ended up on the 2^nd floor for the night.  Lost that one.  I thought I was going home.  As always, the nurses rocked.  They let me pace myself and trusted me to do my own walking.  Yes, I had to walk.  In order to get the tubes and ovaries out, they have to fill you will gas.  If you remain laying down, the gas goes to the shoulder area and you are in pain.  So, I walked.  And walked. And walked.  All. Night. Long. 

As I mentioned, all went well.  Results were what Dr Lynn and Dr Kotz expected.  However, Dr Lynn was impressed as it had been 5cm when she had done the ultrasound in October and when she took it out it was 1cm.  Of course, she was impressed as all the other nodes around the main one attached to it so it was one big blob.  She said she has never seen that.  I continue with the Gold Stars.

Recovery:

This was the hardest recovery I ever had. For some reason I thought it would be a breeze.  But did not happen the way I thought it would.  The tram was hard, but that was expected, and I improved all the time.  Surgery was on Friday and I was good until Monday.  Then just felt lousy and I was determined to get the drain out Thursday.  Let’s just say it had to stay in until the following Monday.  I felt better once it was out but then got a fever that Wednesday.  From a cold. Not the surgery.  Whew.  I was wiped the entire time. 

Work: 

I went back for 25 hours the first week—Feb 3^rd.  I did well and while I still was not feeling it, I could leave early.  The next 2 weeks I was a bit over, but also realizing that maybe I was over doing it.  Last week I finally worked a full week—even got 1.5 hours comp but have come to the realization that I might have to take some time in the afternoons.  Luckily, I have an understanding Director and a great staff.  And before I hear anything, we are down a person.  I did get to the point during a longer day last week in which I was just done, and the books were not going anywhere.  I will be listening to my body this week (and more I am sure) and if I am done, then I am done.

A few random things:

·        The fear of losing movement in my left arm was unfounded.  I even showed Dr Lynn who was impressed.  She was looking at rehab based on my right arm which is not good.

·        Sleeping was awful as the drain was in the way and the left arm was numb.  Once the drain was out and I was not on it, it still took 3 weeks before I could sleep semi normal. 

·        Lupron.  Due to the whole losing the ovaries and tubes, I no longer need the shot.  I cannot express how much better I feel without that shot.  It is amazing.

·        Fatigue factor.  Between the surgery and the Ibrance, I have nothing to give.  Before the surgery I had actually  complained to Dr Kotz about the fatigue (he was floored) and he lowered it to 100mg from 125mg.  So far, I have not seen a difference and I am just so very, very tired. No need to tell me I look tired.  There are many who already have. Including Mae Ling.  I know, she is my mother, but still. 

·        Speaking of Ibrance, my hair is thinning a bit—nothing big but it is coming out a few strands a day.  Dr Kotz laughed when I said, no biggie, I have the wigs and I know where they are too.  

·        The elephant in Dr Kotz’s office this past Wednesday.  My White Blood Cell (WBC).  It like tanked.  To the point of I got the if you get a fever you call me immediately talk.  I have to go back on the 13^th for another blood draw to see if it has improved. If it has, I continue on the 100mg Ibrance. If not, he will lower it again.

·        I am still getting the Faslodex shots- 2 every 4 weeks. They literally are a pain in the ass.  But it keeps me above ground so there is that.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for the calls, the cards, cupcakes, etc. but most importantly the prayers. I keep repeating myself, but it is so humbling. 

Falling into place

It was 7 years ago this morning I took one look at Dr Lynn as she came into the second recovery and knew my hair was history and it was worse than she thought.  I beat her to the punch by saying it’s in the nodes, isn’t it?  That was 1 lumpectomy, 6 chemos, 2 wigs,  Portia the port, Pedro the pic line, 6.5 weeks of radiation, a packing infection, 1 boob, 2 ER visits, multiple hospital stays, a  tram (that sucked and I do not recommend it at all) too many scans and  tests to remember, ditto blood draws, shots in the butt, biopsies- yet yelling ouch still makes me happy, doctors appointments that went from 3 months to 6 months to a year then back to 3 months to 6 months to monthly, 22 pounds ago. Most important of all and because I am apparently an overachiever, I went from an expected late Stage 1/early Stage 2 to Stage 3 to now a Stage 4- all due to those pesky lymph nodes.  Damn nodes. 

In 5 sleeps, I will be gracing the Surgical Center for what I hope to be the last time.  The ovaries and tubes will be removed first by Dr Carroll, who will then turn over the removal of the offending lymph node (I am thinking of naming her Lucy, the looney lymph node. Suggestions are welcomed) to the good Dr Lynn.  The plan is out patient and yes, I have a bagged packed.  As Dr K pointed out last week, it’s me, so pack a bag.  He laughed when I told him I was way ahead of him. 

I am not nervous as I have been down this road before.  Rumor has it I will have a drain (yet again) and that sucker will last a week or less no matter what she says.  Hate those things.  According to Dr K, I will continue the Faslodex shots for at least 5 years.  And yes, he was smiling as he was typing.  But I let it go as he a) cancelled the Lupron shot (those side effects are awful) and b) he lowered my Ibrance from 125 mg to 100 mg and that people, should give me a much-needed break.  2 of the biggest side effects of Ibrance are fatigue and insomnia.  Honestly the fatigue has been horrible.  I have been off the Ibrance since December 19 due to the surgery (I go back on it January 31) and this weekend was the first one I had a bit more energy.  This is why the Ibrance is going down to 100 mg.  Dr K did say I might be able to stop the Ibrance, but we will talk about that in a few months.  I would be so golden. 

A few things from this past week:

·        Major shout out to Nurse Carolyn—who, after the poor lady at the Medical Mall tried 2 times to get blood—got the blood and it did not hurt.  Some of you might remember Nurse Mike from the last go round. He was the one who tattled to Dr Lynn on me being in church after the mastectomy. Anyway, I bragged on how good he was with needles, but I am replacing him with Carolyn, who just also happens to be his wife. Yay and a huge thank you to her. 

·        I had to do 2 urine samples. One at the OBGYN and one at the Medical Mall Just to make sure I am not pregnant.  Immaculate conception #2. 

·        The sign in the bathroom at the Medical Mall: Do not put urine sample on top of the trash can.  Note: the trash can has a swinging top.  I could not stop laughing.  We are surrounded.

·        My angels—present and past.  On Communion Sunday, Pastor Bill does the prayer list while the kids are still in there.  The older boys (6^th and up) now sit with me.  As soon as my name was said, Charlie and Ethan just turned and had this look—I assured them I was good as they have walked this walk with me 2 years ago.  Then I went back to the classroom and Brett started in with why did Pastor Bill say surgery. Told them all was good, and since they are germy, I am staying away next week.  Funny how they all started in on how clean they are.  Kids always get it.

·        As always, I am humbled by all the prayers, the hugs, the offers to help in anyway. 

Of course, the surgery was scheduled for the first time available which had me down there by 530am Friday morning.  It has changed from what I have seen, but the plan is to stay the night across the street and Billy will be with me.   Mom will follow later as she will watch over the dogs.  By the way, right eye Rosie is doing great.  I did have a chat with her as she and her collar pushed me off the couch.  I reminded her that on Friday I rule and she had to deal with it. Nothing like a one-eyed dog in a shame collar staring at you with that nope, I am Mom’s baby and that rules look.

An update will happen. Who will do it has not been decided.  It might be amusing.

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Uncharted territory

I was not planning on blogging tonight as I see Dr Lynn tomorrow and then all the pieces will be in place.  However, today needs a blog all to itself.

As many of you know, the first go-round I gave Dr. Kotz a run for his money.  He was the first one to utter... you are just special.  He could not for the life of him figure out why I crashed the way I did and why I bounced back like I did.  Drove him nuts.  When I started the Ibrance, I know he was worried about my white blood counts due to my history. I passed the first lab test with flying colors and my temperature never got past 99.3.  And while I have had my issues, nothing earth shattering.  Gold Star for me!

Today, I saw him for the first time since I started both the Ibrance and the shots.  I was ready with questions and I also knew something he had no clue about.  We did the usual go over things, how are the side effects and then he started the exam—which consisted of checking the neck, throat glands and the under the arm where the swollen lymph node is.  He gets to the arm area and gives me a funny look.   I said… yup—amazing, don’t you think? He checks the area again and is actually giddy.  He goes back to his notes to verify and said on October 4 it was 4 cm and today he can’t find it. That is when I let him in on it—I check it almost daily and I knew it was shrinking and it had been since staring treatment.  He was like a kid at Christmas as he could not believe it. Which is where the uncharted territory came in.  Never, ever did they think the response would be as good as this in one month. Ever.  Nor have they ever seen something like this (add another Gold Star). At this point, I can see his mind doing the thing he does best… figuring out the next steps—after surgery.  You see, it was decided the node has to come out.  The when is the missing piece I am waiting for and that will happen with Dr. Lynn tomorrow.  This is a game changer.  The radiation trial we discussed a few weeks ago, it appears I will not qualify for it as there will be nothing to radiate (however, there is a possibility of radiation, but that remains to be seen.  Hello tumor board… yet again). The meds might be changed as well, but again, that remains to be seen.  To say he was thrilled is an understatement. It was then he reminded me of the questions and I went for it. 

·        Me:  Mom reads everything, can she get the shingles shot?

·        Dr. K:  Yes, she can, as long as it is the new, dead one.

 

·        Me: After all this surgery and stuff can I take a vacation? After all I did cancel the other one.

·        Dr. K:  Yes, and sorry about that. However, it needs to be in between shots.

·        Me: Is there anything I can do for energy—and do NOT tell me to exercise.  The fatigue is killing me.  I mean, nothing at the end of the day.

·         Dr. K: Sorry, but no, it is a side effect.  If this continues, we will look at lowering the dosage of the Ibrance, but sorry nothing.

·        Me: About the flu shot...

·        Dr. K: What???!!!

·        Me: Calm down. When you told me to get it, I had just started the Ibrance and I did not want to crash.

·        Dr. K: You are getting it today.

·        Me: No. Just no.

·        Dr. K:  Yes, you are.

·        (this goes back and forth a few more times and we are now laughing as I know it is a losing cause)

·        Me:  I just had a blood draw, and I am getting 3 shots in my butt.

·        Dr. K:   This is in the arm

·        Me:  I hate you, I really hate you.

·        Dr. K:  I know. Enjoy. Let me know about the surgery and I will see you January 2. 

It is now 1040pm… a little past that time 7 years ago when I found that pesky little lump.  Never, in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would be back on this journey yet again.  Yet here I sit with my arm killing me, my butt stinging and thanking God for prayers answered and trying to wrap my mind around a giddy Dr. Kotz.   

So very, very blessed.

The time has come...

Since tomorrow is a rather big day, it is time to go back to November 1 and to finally find the words to describe my day.

It started out innocently enough.  After all, I had been coached by the Ibrance team and had read all the dos and don’ts, what side effects I should expect, so I was ready to take the plunge and my first pill.  I mean, how bad could it really be.  So, I ate my high fat breakfast (no bacon as I was too lazy to make it), took my pill and washed my hands thoroughly as I was told to do as the pill is so potent (and yes it was being ingested. Lovely).   It took maybe 5 minutes and the nausea started. I would like to suggest purchasing stock in Canada Dry Ginger Ale as it is a gift from above and it will be a part of my life for the foreseeable future.  Luckily   most days I am over that feeling by noon, but it does come and go, sometimes staying all day or just hours at a time. No rhyme or reason.  However, if I even smell an egg it is all over.  Over.  Part one over and done with; onto part two…

The shots…

Unless you are new to this or have been hiding under a rock for the past year or so, every 4 weeks I have been the recipient of a Lupron shot in alternating cheeks.   This is the shot which is a form of hormone therapy.  Of course it took a few shots for that to sink in.  I think it was the 3 or 4 shot in which it hit me it was hormonal.  I was wondering why I wanted to cry by the time I hit the light in front of the hospital.  Duh.  Anyway, long story short, the Ibrance works with Faslodex which comes in shot form.  And there are 2 shots of it given. Remember the 2 shots. It will come in handy later. Trust me.

I arrive early and am not too worried.  The Lupron shot is not that bad, so I figured I was golden.  Nope. Not even close.  As I am called in by a new nurse, we go into the “shot” room and I see the 3 shots.  Funny, but a conversation from the very first Lupron shot comes to mind, so I say very casually to the nurse—when I first started the Lupron shots, I was told about these shots that have to stay in for 1-2 minutes.  She looks at me and yup, that is the Faslodex.  She then asks me if I want another nurse in there as some people do.  I say no as I have no clue why I would want another one in there.  As she leaves to get the paper, I need to sign for the Faslodex, it hits me that if there are two nurses, then the shots are given simultaneously.  And, if they must be in that long, why the hell not.  She comes back in and I verify about the reasoning for the second nurse. I said go get her. In comes Heather, my Lupron shooter.  She is laughing as she knows me.  I tell her to bite me and get this done and over with.  And they start to do just that with one going in a tad earlier than the other. As many of you know, I talk to myself all the time.  As I am standing there with 2 shots in my butt, I muttered this is a pain in the ass and how the hell did I end up here.  Heather tries to contain herself, the new nurse has no clue and I realized I was talking out loud.  At which point one needle goes out and the Lupron goes in.  It was all over and done with in less than 3 minutes. 

Truthfully, the shots were not that bad, However, add in the Lupron and that explains the Whole Foods shopping experience as well as stopping at Duck Donuts.  The pain came later that night and lasted for about 3 days.  Luckily, I was able to sit as they had been shot into the upper muscles of the buttock.  All in all, it was doable—as is most of this stuff.

The treatment becomes every four weeks after tomorrow as far as the shots go.  Lads will be drawn tomorrow to make sure my counts are good.  Supposedly the biggest issue is low white blood counts.  I think it is the fatigue.  Which is amusing as the side effects are insomnia and fatigue.  Of course.

As to why tomorrow is a big day—I also have an MRI tomorrow morning before all the other stuff.  In order to be eligible for this Clinical Radiation trial which is apparently highly successful, they need to make sure there is nothing in the breast area, so a bilateral MRI of the breast area is being done.  I will say I enjoyed asking why bilateral if it is just a belly boob.  The person who called me said because Dr Kotz said so.  I said so you don’t argue with him either at which point he laughed and said no.   Very, very quickly.

I do not expect to hear anything from anyone until I see Dr Kotz on December 5 at which time, he will tell me what I am going to do.  Ironically, it will be 7 years to the day of me finding that pesky lump.  What a ride it has been.  Good, bad, ugly, grateful, angry, self-pity, thankful, faithful, but most of all blessed—I have felt them all and them some. 

Speaking of blessings, a few weeks ago, I had a talk with the Angels and the Sunday after the shots, they were told a kid’s friendly version which had all of us laughing.  Last week, as we were settling down and I was starting to talk about the lesson, Brett interrupted – he said—how are you doing? Are you feeling okay?  I assured them I was good, and we carried on with the lesson—which was giving thanks for our teachers.  I am so thankful I am their teacher.

Drop those drawers!

Well, the plan- for the time being, is in place and will be executed at 4:00pm, Thursday, November 1.  And yes, it involves needles and yet again, my butt.  And this time around, we are ADDING not taking away He even laughed when I said—let me guess a shot in my butt.  I swear that man thrives on needles. 

And this is how my week started… Monday, with Mae Ling riding shotgun, I met with Dr K and his arsenal of plans.  We (as I really had a choice) are going with the shots and pill plan.  I will continue to get my Lupron shot and Faslodex will be added at the same time. With a straight face, I was assured Faslodex does not have side effects.  His face may have been straight but the look in his eyes as he tried to avoid me said… you are my special one and something will pop up.  I ignored him as we got to the pill thing.  His reasoning at this point- you have been through chemo, so this will be easy. This time he was smiling.  The pill in question is Ibrance which has me entering hormonal therapy from what I gather.  I looked it up and the front page says welcome to your new normal.  Seriously???!!  I had harsh words for the person who came up with that gem. As for the side effects… kinda like a low dose chemo yet it is not a chemo pill.  Do not ask me.  I give on this crap.  Anywho…example would be hair thinning and not hair loss.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that Scarlett and Lizzie stay in their places, but that I will be able to give up shaving.  Aside from the whole saving my life thing… there has to be a benefit in there somewhere.  Back to the side effects.  The most serious one is the lowering of the white blood cells and with my record, this bothers me a bit.  I have stocked up on thermometers, so I am ready.  I am not sure how long I will be on this, but the pills are 21 days on and 7 days off. And I am not allowed grapefruit or grapefruit juice or St Johns Wort.  I told him that would be a major sacrifice on my part.  He agreed.  At this point I did ask about sugar and he said go for it.  Smart man.

At this point, we also discussed a clinical trial which is radiation to the offending node.  He feels I am a good candidate—young and in good health.  I looked at him and said aside from the whole Stage 4 thing—right. He smiled and said right.  I asked about surgery to remove the node and he said it was a possibility and he was going to call Dr Lynn and a Radiation Oncologist to discuss.  I told him I was seeing Dr Lynn in the morning and he said he would call.   That was that and off we went. 

Then came the next morning.  I left (by myself, Mae Ling was relieved of her duties for the day) rather early, yet I still encountered the traffic mess at Topsail High School.  Amazing how stupid people are.  Let’s block the green light people so traffic is backed up for miles. At this point I realized I need to call and luckily was only 10 minutes late—I did not need that grief from her.   I get called in – skipped the scales and the BP and I sat waiting.  The good Dr comes in, says you know this is a social call and I am like um, no, you and Dr K were supposed to talk. She gives me this look—and I just know.  At this point she calls him.  I have to admit it was rather entertaining from where I was sitting.  I could hear his calm voice, but I could see her rolling eyes, yet I knew both were on top of their games, listening to each other but also voicing their thoughts and opinions.  They hang up and she explains her issue with the surgery—she could do it, but she does not want to.  Because the node is on the left side and the size of it, she feels lymphedema is a given and she does not want me to have that pain.  So, we agreed she would see if it shrinks and if it gets to the point she can remove it with a good possibility of no lymphedema, she would.  I think she may have rolled her eyes.

So, that is how I will end up on November 1 with 3 shots in my butt and a pill I need to take with food the same time every day for 21 days.  There will be a blood draw and a onetime booster shot on November 15 and we will repeat the blood draw and 3 shots on December 5.  I will also have an MRI on November 15 to make sure the left breast is free of anything which would give me the go ahead for the radiation trial.  And, from what I was told by Dr K’s nurse today, I am being presented to the breast cancer tumor group.  I have been discussed by this group a few times and I should get an award or something.  Then again, living could be considered the award.  I need to ponder this.

On another note—the cruise Billy and I were going on- I was the one to pull the plug.  We were to dock in Florida the morning of November 1 and while there were a few flights (2) that might have gotten me back in time, I decided the stress of trying to get there would kill me, so it has been postponed.  

As always, I am humbled by everyone and every gesture.  A special shout out to the childhood friend who sent a ton of donuts this week.  I cried,and I will say, they were much better than those pies that were made for Joey. 

I am blessed!