Curve ball #47

Today I give thanks to the courage and strength of certain people around me-- the ones who have survived impossible odds with cancer, those who fought as hard as possible and those fighting at this time. I have been humbled and inspired by all and while I thank God for the ones still here on earth, I give thanks to God for those who are finally free of pain. I can only hope and pray that if I am ever in the same situation, I can be as graceful, strong and faithful.  

Me November 17, 2011

I wrote this 8 years ago today, one day after my friend Toni passed away after a long battle with breast cancer.  It was basically 2 weeks before I found that pesky lump and 2 years before- to the day- another friend, Nicole died from the same.  As you can imagine, I have so many emotions when I look at today’s memories.  Mostly, I go back to when I got the call about Nicole, something I knew was coming that afternoon. It was a beautiful day and I was antsy, so I went to walk the beach, with all of it on my mind—Nicole, her husband, the kids.  She passed surrounded by love—her family and she was wrapped up in the quilt the quilters had made.  She was at peace.  And I finally cried.  I cried for her, her family, her friends and for me.  It was in that moment I realized it could have been me.  Previously—maybe 3 months prior, Ms. Joyce, one of our patrons and a breast cancer survivor herself, had asked me if I had cried yet.  I told her I had not.  She told me I would, it would come out of the blue and I would feel clearer.  She was right.  I did, it did, and I did. 

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind in a way.  I still am not sure if the automatic release of the PET scan was supposed to happen as I was meeting with Dr K the next day, but it did.  I was sitting in a monthly programming meeting and the email came across.  So, I opened it.  And then I walked out to do what I always do, call Billy.  I knew it was bad, but I needed to hear it from him.  He started out in doctor mode and I knew exactly when it turned into brother mode.  His words said it best—in, doctor mode of course.  “This is not what we expected.” I said 2 times “this is bad, isn’t it?” He finally said, “yes, it is bad.”  In brother mode.  I told him I would wait to tell Mom after seeing Dr K in the am.  Um, that lasted 5 seconds when I walked in the house.  That was one of the hard ones.  I made a few other calls but bagged it and decided it would fall into place the next morning.

For the first time, I was a bit peeved with Dr K as I was ready to address the whole liver thing, but he was going at his pace—turtle it seemed to me.  I finally said the PET was released and I read it.  He glanced at me, said okay and continued.  I thought briefly of killing him slowly and he knew it as he grinned and carried on.  Damn him as I knew he had to run it all down his way.  Within 5 minutes he had a plan and was acting on it.  I went to give more blood; I escaped the shots and I went up and down the elevator so many times that Aaron who checks me in, finally said I refuse to greet you again.  Yeah, well, same here bud. 

By the time I left, I had a flu shot, been briefed on my new meds, picked up my new meds, had 2 blood draws (when I walked back to get the blood taken yet again,  the nurse said we did this last visit too, didn’t we? Why yes, we did, the man loves needles!), the go ahead to go to Betsy’s and a plan.  I also had the go ahead for the January trip.  As I mentioned before, I wanted to ask him if it was one of those go as this is your last hurrah or go because it is an awesome trip.  I refrained.  At the time, I really did not want to know.

The plan is this- 7 days on the chemo pill and 7 days off and so on and so on.  We will know in about 4 more weeks if it is working. If it is, then we continue. If not, onto something else.  As for the pill, not too bad.  I have a few side effects, but nothing too bad.  I feel better than I have felt in months and had a great visit with Betsy and Mike—a well needed one too.  My hair is thinning (only thing that is) and I just happen to have 2 wigs laying around.  And if I want to, I can always get another one if needed.   I am more tired than normal, but all is good. 

Now to the January trip.  If you can remember, I really did not have a bucket list, nor did I really care.  However, one thing I have always wanted to do was to see the Northern Lights.  Way back when I was diagnosed again 2016, Billy happened to be there when the good Dr Lynn told me the news.  She started sprouting out all these medical terms and I told her Billy was in the lobby—oh goodie she said as she went out the door.  He must have felt bad looking at the ultrasound as when we got into the car, I said something like I guess I need a bucket list and I want to see the Northern Lights.  He said Norway.  I was like hmm, okay.  So, Norway it is.  We have a 12-day cruise “In Search of the Northern Lights” booked for January 22, 2020 and it just rocks.  Yes, I hit the brother jackpot and no, at this time I will not share. 

For the record, I am good with it all.  While I would rather stay on this side as I feel I have more to do, I am at peace. This morning I did the kids talk and brought up the there is always, always, always something to be thankful for quote. And there is.  I am thankful I woke up this morning, I am thankful for all the love and prayers that have come and will come to me and I am thankful to be surrounded by loving, caring friends and family.  And I am so thankful to be a child of God, a God who has given me a peace that passes all understanding. 

I know, I know....

It’s been a while and while I have sat down many times to update, it never happened.  So… here you go.

Surgery:

All went well. Well, once they got that damn IV in.  Finally went in on the 4^th attempt.  I was a pin cushion.  1 nurse tried twice, another tried once and FINALLY, the nurse anesthesiologist nailed it.  Melissa, the surgical nurse held my hand and I probably bruised it.  And yes, I cried.  However, once it was in, I was happy.  I think I told Billy I was getting a 30-day cruise.  All I remember is a strained look.  I would like to add that I am so glad Nurse Mike was NOT there.  The IV had nothing to do with the nurse but everything to do with me and he would have felt bad. Even Dr Lynn felt bad.  Yes, it was that bad 😊

I ended up on the 2^nd floor for the night.  Lost that one.  I thought I was going home.  As always, the nurses rocked.  They let me pace myself and trusted me to do my own walking.  Yes, I had to walk.  In order to get the tubes and ovaries out, they have to fill you will gas.  If you remain laying down, the gas goes to the shoulder area and you are in pain.  So, I walked.  And walked. And walked.  All. Night. Long. 

As I mentioned, all went well.  Results were what Dr Lynn and Dr Kotz expected.  However, Dr Lynn was impressed as it had been 5cm when she had done the ultrasound in October and when she took it out it was 1cm.  Of course, she was impressed as all the other nodes around the main one attached to it so it was one big blob.  She said she has never seen that.  I continue with the Gold Stars.

Recovery:

This was the hardest recovery I ever had. For some reason I thought it would be a breeze.  But did not happen the way I thought it would.  The tram was hard, but that was expected, and I improved all the time.  Surgery was on Friday and I was good until Monday.  Then just felt lousy and I was determined to get the drain out Thursday.  Let’s just say it had to stay in until the following Monday.  I felt better once it was out but then got a fever that Wednesday.  From a cold. Not the surgery.  Whew.  I was wiped the entire time. 

Work: 

I went back for 25 hours the first week—Feb 3^rd.  I did well and while I still was not feeling it, I could leave early.  The next 2 weeks I was a bit over, but also realizing that maybe I was over doing it.  Last week I finally worked a full week—even got 1.5 hours comp but have come to the realization that I might have to take some time in the afternoons.  Luckily, I have an understanding Director and a great staff.  And before I hear anything, we are down a person.  I did get to the point during a longer day last week in which I was just done, and the books were not going anywhere.  I will be listening to my body this week (and more I am sure) and if I am done, then I am done.

A few random things:

·        The fear of losing movement in my left arm was unfounded.  I even showed Dr Lynn who was impressed.  She was looking at rehab based on my right arm which is not good.

·        Sleeping was awful as the drain was in the way and the left arm was numb.  Once the drain was out and I was not on it, it still took 3 weeks before I could sleep semi normal. 

·        Lupron.  Due to the whole losing the ovaries and tubes, I no longer need the shot.  I cannot express how much better I feel without that shot.  It is amazing.

·        Fatigue factor.  Between the surgery and the Ibrance, I have nothing to give.  Before the surgery I had actually  complained to Dr Kotz about the fatigue (he was floored) and he lowered it to 100mg from 125mg.  So far, I have not seen a difference and I am just so very, very tired. No need to tell me I look tired.  There are many who already have. Including Mae Ling.  I know, she is my mother, but still. 

·        Speaking of Ibrance, my hair is thinning a bit—nothing big but it is coming out a few strands a day.  Dr Kotz laughed when I said, no biggie, I have the wigs and I know where they are too.  

·        The elephant in Dr Kotz’s office this past Wednesday.  My White Blood Cell (WBC).  It like tanked.  To the point of I got the if you get a fever you call me immediately talk.  I have to go back on the 13^th for another blood draw to see if it has improved. If it has, I continue on the 100mg Ibrance. If not, he will lower it again.

·        I am still getting the Faslodex shots- 2 every 4 weeks. They literally are a pain in the ass.  But it keeps me above ground so there is that.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for the calls, the cards, cupcakes, etc. but most importantly the prayers. I keep repeating myself, but it is so humbling. 

Falling into place

It was 7 years ago this morning I took one look at Dr Lynn as she came into the second recovery and knew my hair was history and it was worse than she thought.  I beat her to the punch by saying it’s in the nodes, isn’t it?  That was 1 lumpectomy, 6 chemos, 2 wigs,  Portia the port, Pedro the pic line, 6.5 weeks of radiation, a packing infection, 1 boob, 2 ER visits, multiple hospital stays, a  tram (that sucked and I do not recommend it at all) too many scans and  tests to remember, ditto blood draws, shots in the butt, biopsies- yet yelling ouch still makes me happy, doctors appointments that went from 3 months to 6 months to a year then back to 3 months to 6 months to monthly, 22 pounds ago. Most important of all and because I am apparently an overachiever, I went from an expected late Stage 1/early Stage 2 to Stage 3 to now a Stage 4- all due to those pesky lymph nodes.  Damn nodes. 

In 5 sleeps, I will be gracing the Surgical Center for what I hope to be the last time.  The ovaries and tubes will be removed first by Dr Carroll, who will then turn over the removal of the offending lymph node (I am thinking of naming her Lucy, the looney lymph node. Suggestions are welcomed) to the good Dr Lynn.  The plan is out patient and yes, I have a bagged packed.  As Dr K pointed out last week, it’s me, so pack a bag.  He laughed when I told him I was way ahead of him. 

I am not nervous as I have been down this road before.  Rumor has it I will have a drain (yet again) and that sucker will last a week or less no matter what she says.  Hate those things.  According to Dr K, I will continue the Faslodex shots for at least 5 years.  And yes, he was smiling as he was typing.  But I let it go as he a) cancelled the Lupron shot (those side effects are awful) and b) he lowered my Ibrance from 125 mg to 100 mg and that people, should give me a much-needed break.  2 of the biggest side effects of Ibrance are fatigue and insomnia.  Honestly the fatigue has been horrible.  I have been off the Ibrance since December 19 due to the surgery (I go back on it January 31) and this weekend was the first one I had a bit more energy.  This is why the Ibrance is going down to 100 mg.  Dr K did say I might be able to stop the Ibrance, but we will talk about that in a few months.  I would be so golden. 

A few things from this past week:

·        Major shout out to Nurse Carolyn—who, after the poor lady at the Medical Mall tried 2 times to get blood—got the blood and it did not hurt.  Some of you might remember Nurse Mike from the last go round. He was the one who tattled to Dr Lynn on me being in church after the mastectomy. Anyway, I bragged on how good he was with needles, but I am replacing him with Carolyn, who just also happens to be his wife. Yay and a huge thank you to her. 

·        I had to do 2 urine samples. One at the OBGYN and one at the Medical Mall Just to make sure I am not pregnant.  Immaculate conception #2. 

·        The sign in the bathroom at the Medical Mall: Do not put urine sample on top of the trash can.  Note: the trash can has a swinging top.  I could not stop laughing.  We are surrounded.

·        My angels—present and past.  On Communion Sunday, Pastor Bill does the prayer list while the kids are still in there.  The older boys (6^th and up) now sit with me.  As soon as my name was said, Charlie and Ethan just turned and had this look—I assured them I was good as they have walked this walk with me 2 years ago.  Then I went back to the classroom and Brett started in with why did Pastor Bill say surgery. Told them all was good, and since they are germy, I am staying away next week.  Funny how they all started in on how clean they are.  Kids always get it.

·        As always, I am humbled by all the prayers, the hugs, the offers to help in anyway. 

Of course, the surgery was scheduled for the first time available which had me down there by 530am Friday morning.  It has changed from what I have seen, but the plan is to stay the night across the street and Billy will be with me.   Mom will follow later as she will watch over the dogs.  By the way, right eye Rosie is doing great.  I did have a chat with her as she and her collar pushed me off the couch.  I reminded her that on Friday I rule and she had to deal with it. Nothing like a one-eyed dog in a shame collar staring at you with that nope, I am Mom’s baby and that rules look.

An update will happen. Who will do it has not been decided.  It might be amusing.

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Uncharted territory

I was not planning on blogging tonight as I see Dr Lynn tomorrow and then all the pieces will be in place.  However, today needs a blog all to itself.

As many of you know, the first go-round I gave Dr. Kotz a run for his money.  He was the first one to utter... you are just special.  He could not for the life of him figure out why I crashed the way I did and why I bounced back like I did.  Drove him nuts.  When I started the Ibrance, I know he was worried about my white blood counts due to my history. I passed the first lab test with flying colors and my temperature never got past 99.3.  And while I have had my issues, nothing earth shattering.  Gold Star for me!

Today, I saw him for the first time since I started both the Ibrance and the shots.  I was ready with questions and I also knew something he had no clue about.  We did the usual go over things, how are the side effects and then he started the exam—which consisted of checking the neck, throat glands and the under the arm where the swollen lymph node is.  He gets to the arm area and gives me a funny look.   I said… yup—amazing, don’t you think? He checks the area again and is actually giddy.  He goes back to his notes to verify and said on October 4 it was 4 cm and today he can’t find it. That is when I let him in on it—I check it almost daily and I knew it was shrinking and it had been since staring treatment.  He was like a kid at Christmas as he could not believe it. Which is where the uncharted territory came in.  Never, ever did they think the response would be as good as this in one month. Ever.  Nor have they ever seen something like this (add another Gold Star). At this point, I can see his mind doing the thing he does best… figuring out the next steps—after surgery.  You see, it was decided the node has to come out.  The when is the missing piece I am waiting for and that will happen with Dr. Lynn tomorrow.  This is a game changer.  The radiation trial we discussed a few weeks ago, it appears I will not qualify for it as there will be nothing to radiate (however, there is a possibility of radiation, but that remains to be seen.  Hello tumor board… yet again). The meds might be changed as well, but again, that remains to be seen.  To say he was thrilled is an understatement. It was then he reminded me of the questions and I went for it. 

·        Me:  Mom reads everything, can she get the shingles shot?

·        Dr. K:  Yes, she can, as long as it is the new, dead one.

 

·        Me: After all this surgery and stuff can I take a vacation? After all I did cancel the other one.

·        Dr. K:  Yes, and sorry about that. However, it needs to be in between shots.

·        Me: Is there anything I can do for energy—and do NOT tell me to exercise.  The fatigue is killing me.  I mean, nothing at the end of the day.

·         Dr. K: Sorry, but no, it is a side effect.  If this continues, we will look at lowering the dosage of the Ibrance, but sorry nothing.

·        Me: About the flu shot...

·        Dr. K: What???!!!

·        Me: Calm down. When you told me to get it, I had just started the Ibrance and I did not want to crash.

·        Dr. K: You are getting it today.

·        Me: No. Just no.

·        Dr. K:  Yes, you are.

·        (this goes back and forth a few more times and we are now laughing as I know it is a losing cause)

·        Me:  I just had a blood draw, and I am getting 3 shots in my butt.

·        Dr. K:   This is in the arm

·        Me:  I hate you, I really hate you.

·        Dr. K:  I know. Enjoy. Let me know about the surgery and I will see you January 2. 

It is now 1040pm… a little past that time 7 years ago when I found that pesky little lump.  Never, in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would be back on this journey yet again.  Yet here I sit with my arm killing me, my butt stinging and thanking God for prayers answered and trying to wrap my mind around a giddy Dr. Kotz.   

So very, very blessed.

The time has come...

Since tomorrow is a rather big day, it is time to go back to November 1 and to finally find the words to describe my day.

It started out innocently enough.  After all, I had been coached by the Ibrance team and had read all the dos and don’ts, what side effects I should expect, so I was ready to take the plunge and my first pill.  I mean, how bad could it really be.  So, I ate my high fat breakfast (no bacon as I was too lazy to make it), took my pill and washed my hands thoroughly as I was told to do as the pill is so potent (and yes it was being ingested. Lovely).   It took maybe 5 minutes and the nausea started. I would like to suggest purchasing stock in Canada Dry Ginger Ale as it is a gift from above and it will be a part of my life for the foreseeable future.  Luckily   most days I am over that feeling by noon, but it does come and go, sometimes staying all day or just hours at a time. No rhyme or reason.  However, if I even smell an egg it is all over.  Over.  Part one over and done with; onto part two…

The shots…

Unless you are new to this or have been hiding under a rock for the past year or so, every 4 weeks I have been the recipient of a Lupron shot in alternating cheeks.   This is the shot which is a form of hormone therapy.  Of course it took a few shots for that to sink in.  I think it was the 3 or 4 shot in which it hit me it was hormonal.  I was wondering why I wanted to cry by the time I hit the light in front of the hospital.  Duh.  Anyway, long story short, the Ibrance works with Faslodex which comes in shot form.  And there are 2 shots of it given. Remember the 2 shots. It will come in handy later. Trust me.

I arrive early and am not too worried.  The Lupron shot is not that bad, so I figured I was golden.  Nope. Not even close.  As I am called in by a new nurse, we go into the “shot” room and I see the 3 shots.  Funny, but a conversation from the very first Lupron shot comes to mind, so I say very casually to the nurse—when I first started the Lupron shots, I was told about these shots that have to stay in for 1-2 minutes.  She looks at me and yup, that is the Faslodex.  She then asks me if I want another nurse in there as some people do.  I say no as I have no clue why I would want another one in there.  As she leaves to get the paper, I need to sign for the Faslodex, it hits me that if there are two nurses, then the shots are given simultaneously.  And, if they must be in that long, why the hell not.  She comes back in and I verify about the reasoning for the second nurse. I said go get her. In comes Heather, my Lupron shooter.  She is laughing as she knows me.  I tell her to bite me and get this done and over with.  And they start to do just that with one going in a tad earlier than the other. As many of you know, I talk to myself all the time.  As I am standing there with 2 shots in my butt, I muttered this is a pain in the ass and how the hell did I end up here.  Heather tries to contain herself, the new nurse has no clue and I realized I was talking out loud.  At which point one needle goes out and the Lupron goes in.  It was all over and done with in less than 3 minutes. 

Truthfully, the shots were not that bad, However, add in the Lupron and that explains the Whole Foods shopping experience as well as stopping at Duck Donuts.  The pain came later that night and lasted for about 3 days.  Luckily, I was able to sit as they had been shot into the upper muscles of the buttock.  All in all, it was doable—as is most of this stuff.

The treatment becomes every four weeks after tomorrow as far as the shots go.  Lads will be drawn tomorrow to make sure my counts are good.  Supposedly the biggest issue is low white blood counts.  I think it is the fatigue.  Which is amusing as the side effects are insomnia and fatigue.  Of course.

As to why tomorrow is a big day—I also have an MRI tomorrow morning before all the other stuff.  In order to be eligible for this Clinical Radiation trial which is apparently highly successful, they need to make sure there is nothing in the breast area, so a bilateral MRI of the breast area is being done.  I will say I enjoyed asking why bilateral if it is just a belly boob.  The person who called me said because Dr Kotz said so.  I said so you don’t argue with him either at which point he laughed and said no.   Very, very quickly.

I do not expect to hear anything from anyone until I see Dr Kotz on December 5 at which time, he will tell me what I am going to do.  Ironically, it will be 7 years to the day of me finding that pesky lump.  What a ride it has been.  Good, bad, ugly, grateful, angry, self-pity, thankful, faithful, but most of all blessed—I have felt them all and them some. 

Speaking of blessings, a few weeks ago, I had a talk with the Angels and the Sunday after the shots, they were told a kid’s friendly version which had all of us laughing.  Last week, as we were settling down and I was starting to talk about the lesson, Brett interrupted – he said—how are you doing? Are you feeling okay?  I assured them I was good, and we carried on with the lesson—which was giving thanks for our teachers.  I am so thankful I am their teacher.

Drop those drawers!

Well, the plan- for the time being, is in place and will be executed at 4:00pm, Thursday, November 1.  And yes, it involves needles and yet again, my butt.  And this time around, we are ADDING not taking away He even laughed when I said—let me guess a shot in my butt.  I swear that man thrives on needles. 

And this is how my week started… Monday, with Mae Ling riding shotgun, I met with Dr K and his arsenal of plans.  We (as I really had a choice) are going with the shots and pill plan.  I will continue to get my Lupron shot and Faslodex will be added at the same time. With a straight face, I was assured Faslodex does not have side effects.  His face may have been straight but the look in his eyes as he tried to avoid me said… you are my special one and something will pop up.  I ignored him as we got to the pill thing.  His reasoning at this point- you have been through chemo, so this will be easy. This time he was smiling.  The pill in question is Ibrance which has me entering hormonal therapy from what I gather.  I looked it up and the front page says welcome to your new normal.  Seriously???!!  I had harsh words for the person who came up with that gem. As for the side effects… kinda like a low dose chemo yet it is not a chemo pill.  Do not ask me.  I give on this crap.  Anywho…example would be hair thinning and not hair loss.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that Scarlett and Lizzie stay in their places, but that I will be able to give up shaving.  Aside from the whole saving my life thing… there has to be a benefit in there somewhere.  Back to the side effects.  The most serious one is the lowering of the white blood cells and with my record, this bothers me a bit.  I have stocked up on thermometers, so I am ready.  I am not sure how long I will be on this, but the pills are 21 days on and 7 days off. And I am not allowed grapefruit or grapefruit juice or St Johns Wort.  I told him that would be a major sacrifice on my part.  He agreed.  At this point I did ask about sugar and he said go for it.  Smart man.

At this point, we also discussed a clinical trial which is radiation to the offending node.  He feels I am a good candidate—young and in good health.  I looked at him and said aside from the whole Stage 4 thing—right. He smiled and said right.  I asked about surgery to remove the node and he said it was a possibility and he was going to call Dr Lynn and a Radiation Oncologist to discuss.  I told him I was seeing Dr Lynn in the morning and he said he would call.   That was that and off we went. 

Then came the next morning.  I left (by myself, Mae Ling was relieved of her duties for the day) rather early, yet I still encountered the traffic mess at Topsail High School.  Amazing how stupid people are.  Let’s block the green light people so traffic is backed up for miles. At this point I realized I need to call and luckily was only 10 minutes late—I did not need that grief from her.   I get called in – skipped the scales and the BP and I sat waiting.  The good Dr comes in, says you know this is a social call and I am like um, no, you and Dr K were supposed to talk. She gives me this look—and I just know.  At this point she calls him.  I have to admit it was rather entertaining from where I was sitting.  I could hear his calm voice, but I could see her rolling eyes, yet I knew both were on top of their games, listening to each other but also voicing their thoughts and opinions.  They hang up and she explains her issue with the surgery—she could do it, but she does not want to.  Because the node is on the left side and the size of it, she feels lymphedema is a given and she does not want me to have that pain.  So, we agreed she would see if it shrinks and if it gets to the point she can remove it with a good possibility of no lymphedema, she would.  I think she may have rolled her eyes.

So, that is how I will end up on November 1 with 3 shots in my butt and a pill I need to take with food the same time every day for 21 days.  There will be a blood draw and a onetime booster shot on November 15 and we will repeat the blood draw and 3 shots on December 5.  I will also have an MRI on November 15 to make sure the left breast is free of anything which would give me the go ahead for the radiation trial.  And, from what I was told by Dr K’s nurse today, I am being presented to the breast cancer tumor group.  I have been discussed by this group a few times and I should get an award or something.  Then again, living could be considered the award.  I need to ponder this.

On another note—the cruise Billy and I were going on- I was the one to pull the plug.  We were to dock in Florida the morning of November 1 and while there were a few flights (2) that might have gotten me back in time, I decided the stress of trying to get there would kill me, so it has been postponed.  

As always, I am humbled by everyone and every gesture.  A special shout out to the childhood friend who sent a ton of donuts this week.  I cried,and I will say, they were much better than those pies that were made for Joey. 

I am blessed!

Take 3

Here I go again and no, not Dolly Parton.  However, I have upped the ante this time and there is no turning back. As if I have a choice.  For those of you new to this- and since it has been 2.5 years—here is the basic cast of characters:

·        Me- no introduction needed.  Golden child on and off for the past 7 years.  On for the foreseeable future.  Never been an overachiever before now. Stage 4.  Figures.

·        Mom aka Mae Ling- queen of clean sheets, soft toilet paper, lead cheerleader and chief prayer. There is more but I would like to keep my clean sheets and soft toilet paper.  Not to mention clean underwear.

·        Billy- Cruise/Vacation giver.  I get cancer, he funds the vacations.  Score! However, he is a crappy nurse and was fired more than once.  I do admit to showing him my bald head the first go-round more than I should have, but it was enjoyable to me.

·        Dr Jones—Primary who gave me Dr Lynn, who gave me Dr Kotz and Dr Nichols.  She is awesome, and I love her. She currently has no idea this is happening, and I dread my November appointment.

·        Dr Lynn—my surgeon. A pain in the ass.  Giver and taketh awayer of Portia the Port (well, kinda). Yelling ouch when there is a needle in the vicinity never gets old.  She really does have a heart.  And rolls her eyes when she meets someone else who knows me.  Which is apparently a frequent occurrence.

·        Dr Kotz- aka Dr K.  My oncologist. My brilliant oncologist.  The man who promised to keep me safe and when I asked, to make me comfortable if ever needed. I do whatever he tells me to. Evil when it comes to suggesting colonoscopies.

·        The P’s

o   Pia—offending right incredible shrinking boob (lobbed off eventually)

o   Portia- my port—which is currently in a frame in Dr Lynn’s office

o   Pedro the pic line—got him when Portia ruptured. In a landfill somewhere.  Good riddance.

That covers the cast for a moment so onto a recap of the whole cancer crap:

1.     I found the lump myself December 5, 2011.

2.      Biopsy December 29 with Dr Lynn who uttered those famous words “I do not need a biopsy to know it is cancer.”

3.      Lumpectomy January 6,2012.  The look on her face in recovery told the story—my hair was history.

4.      January 30—started 6 rounds of chemo—lasted until end of May. Lost hair, did not have to shave and ended up on the 10^th floor 4 out of 6 chemos. Drove Dr K nuts. Portia ruptured (Dr Lynn has never had that happen—Gold Star for me!) Got Pedro for the last 2 chemos.   6.5 weeks of cremation; Labor Day weekend in hospital due to infection—of course.  That was when Pia became pia as she had to be packed-for months.

5.     Golden until April 12, 2016.  That was the 3 cm tumor which the paid Radiologist missed. The congratulations you have a clear mammogram is awaiting a frame.  I have it within reach whenever I feel boobless

6.     2017 (I don’t remember exact date as it was changed, and I want to forget the whole thing) tram to make a boob in place of Pia. Stupidest thing I ever did.  Belly boob. Still small. 

Fast forward to 2018…

Near the end of August, I found a swollen lymph node under the left arm (Pia was the right) but I was not too worried as I was to see Dr Kotz on September 12. Of course Florence had other ideas so I finally saw him October 4 and the look on his face told the story—he was worried.  And while I had to wait to see Dr. Lynn until the 11^th—a previous scheduled appointment, he did call and clued her in.  She did an ultra sound, which showed the pesky sucker and then the biopsy.  I continued the tradition of yelling ouch when she was not near me and she told me to shut up.  As usual, I ignored her.  We then talked about the possibilities and she promised to call with the results.  And she did.  It was the same type as what Pia had 2 years ago.  Somehow a very miniscule cell made it across the chest and latched onto a lovely, pesky lymph node.  Which made it Stage 4.  To be clear—Stage 4 is not curable, but is it is manageable and treatable.  Needless to say, treatment as well as time left rested on the results of the PET scan.  Hell, no pressure at all here. None.  This time, I knew I was a Stage 4 going in- last time I would have been a Stage 4—big difference.  Spreading was not good as that would have considerably made a dent in my life span.  And yes, this time it was Dr Lynn who I asked if I would make it to Christmas as I already had the menu planned.  She might have rolled her eyes and choked a bit.  Anyway, on Oct 17,  I bopped on down to the Medical Mall – with Mae Ling as my wingman. Paid the bill (which incidentally made me hit my deductible.  The county starts in July, so I am impressed I am done so early), went into procedure and as I stretched out on the long bench, I promptly went to sleep during the scan.  I was told I purred and did not snore like the others that day. Then back to home to wait.  As it was in the afternoon, I figured I would not hear until Thursday morning. And since there was a Friends meeting at 9:30 I just knew I would get the call by 10.  I did—walked out and was told that aside from the obviously cancerous lymph node, it was clear.  Sadly, I was not thinking when I said so the liver and brain are clear.  Dr Lynn was silent for a moment and then the you idiot, we did not scan you brain comment was made.  I had just started to register what I had said as she regained her voice. 

So, tomorrow at 11 am I will be greeted by the vampires at Zimmer and at 1130 am I will be told what the plan is by Dr Kotz.  Yes, told.  I do not have a say in this.  I will whine if he tells me I need to cancel that short cruise Billy and I are supposed to be going on a week from today (Sunday). But not much. Then I will go to work where I will FINALLY work on that November schedule (or so I hope).

Lastly, I really am good with it all.  I have been good from the start as I know I have years.  I would also like to point out that I did not join a gym (that happened with the last 2) and I did not say now what or what next. 

I am at peace with whatever happens as well, I am a Child of God and he has me covered.